Me and My Shadow

Just had a very challenging weekend in terms of Isabelle’s mood due to her being due on her period next week. This is such a hard time for Isabelle and those around her as she finds it doubly hard to express her emotions in a controllable way and its always challenging being on the receiving end.

She has done amazingly well with the changes that growing up has brought but emotionally she still needs a lot of support and with her physical care needs. We had a lot of emotion explosions of anger and tears as well as frustration so I have now made visual aids Isabelle can look at when she is feeling this way as she does not listen/ can’t listen and does not want you to talk to her when she is feeling these strong feelings.

Every day I find is a learning curve, trying to solve her daily battles and coming up with strategies that will make the next day a better one. Some are more successful than others.

On Saturday I had to go and sit in the garden and had some tears and some time to let my own feelings out. At first, I felt silly for needing to do this but its so important to let your own emotion’s out. I let them build for a while whilst focussing on Isabelle’s immediate needs etc but there are times, especially when it’s been a particularly challenging week, that you must release.

I cried for Isabelle and wishing she didn’t find it so hard to express herself, I cried for myself and knowing how much I had done my best to support her but she still was continuing to have anger outbursts, I cried for my other daughter who has to also live with these extra challenges and for how amazing she is with her sister even though she herself is autistic with her own needs. I then took a deep breath and was able to carry on with the evening.

Its harder to have any time to myself when Isabelle is dealing with these mixed feelings as she becomes even more attached to me than she already is! She literally becomes my second shadow. I get more drained and tired so if I can get out the house even for five minutes on my own, I do it.

I know I can look at the pill as an option for Isabelle to help maybe with her mood swings but she’s only twelve and I really don’t want her on anything like that yet. Its hard because Isabelle is still mentally more like an eight-year-old and it’s difficult to manage her physical needs which come with puberty, but then the mind of a younger child.

There are days when I miss her younger years, but I think it’s partly because I fear for the future as its unknown. I know it is for everyone but particularly with autism and delayed learning as you don’t know if your child will ‘catch up’ with their needs or how much support they will or will not need from you as they become adults. I will be there for her needs whatever the outcome but sometimes a crystal ball feels like it might be useful so I can see now what might be instore for us and so I can know for sure I have supported Isabelle the best that I could. I just want to know that she will be happy and be surrounded by people that have her best interests first and love her for the beautiful, loveable and gentle human that she is.