Me, Myself and I

One of the hardest parts I have found about bringing up two children with extra needs, is how much harder it is to find time to be yourself or have time out from being Mum.

Don’t get me wrong, this happens when your children don’t have special needs etc, but I think the Mum guilt that is born with each child, gets even stronger the more needs they have.

I know looking back over the past few years that I have prioritised my children above myself, my husband and marriage and more. I seem to have put this role of Mum up on a pedal stool with my own judgements and rules that I must live up to. But I’ve realised that it doesn’t matter how much I do I will never get rid of that feeling that it’s never enough.

I know deep down it is and there’s only so much a person can do but I’m always trying to find the best resource or method to deal with the next problem or need that comes our way. I’m a catastrophiser so I’m always wanting to stop something before it can happen or be ready for anything. That’s hard to do when your children are autistic as you can’t always read them or know what behaviour might happen next. Being like this can have its good points as it makes me very organised and routine which both my girls need in their lives.

I have realised the importance of me looking after myself and having more time with my husband as if I’m burnt out then it will impact the girls. Its never easy to be spontaneous as autism in a house hold means lots of notice and planning so it can feel frustrating when trying to do anything last minute or wanting just for once to not know what you are doing for the day. I still find it extremely difficult to let go and let someone else step in and give me a break but I am learning to do it more.

Just recently me and my husband have sytarted to have more date nights and have been seeing our best friends which has been really helping me to switch off and realise the importance of seperating myself from the role of Mum and wife for a bit. I think it has been harder since i had to leave my job a year a go as that was my own thing, time away from the home where i focussed on something else other than the girls. When you are at home all the time you can quickly become institutionalised and forget that there are other things you can do and even though I am not working, it's a full time job home educating and looking after my youngest daughter so I know I need to stop beating myself up so much but it's a hard habit to break! I'm great at giving out advice and helping other's but not so good at helping myself.

I have hobbies which have been important to me and allow me to switch off and do something that just I enjoy. I recently started to do embroidery and found that I love it! I also love reading so if nothing else I will pick up a book and raed to lose myself into someone else's life for a bit. I have been making small changes that help make big differences and I think you have to start somewhere.