Small shoulders, heavy load.

When you make that decision to have children, which for me I knew I wanted from when I was around 12 years old, you don’t ever really think past the point of a baby. All you picture is cuteness, tiny toes and tiny fingers and enveloping yourself in the bubble of babies. If you had told me all those years ago, 14 to be precise, that my eldest daughter would have experienced panic attacks, anxiety, diagnosis of ASD and now an eating disorder, I wouldn't have believed you.

Even now when I look at photos of her, I cannot connect the two. It is like she changed overnight, a darkness enveloping her and eating up my little girl.

When your children are young you can fix them. If they fall over, you kiss it better and put on a plaster, if they have a temperature or are ill you give them medicine and know they will feel better in a couple of days. But this, I cannot fix. There is no medicine or plaster I can use and even my love is not enough.

I have never felt so helpless and at a loss as to how to help. I just want to push back her darkness and envelope her in love and warmth.

But she will not let me, and neither will the voice inside her head.

That voice is a bully that screams and shouts and makes sure it is the only voice she hears. I wish I could reach inside her head and strangle it, yanking it away,

My husband says I cannot fix her, I must let her fix herself. But how?

How can a child take on so much and deal with so much so young?

What happened to make all this darkness descend?

Did I do something wrong? As a parent you question your actions and parenting all the time, but I have never pulled it apart so much. I naturally blame myself. What parent doesn’t? I regret not listening enough or playing with her enough, not giving her everything she needed but I was so sure I did?!

I thought love, security, protection, attention, and guidance were the ingredients when bringing up a child. You are told how to hold them, feed them, change them, there are articles on what they should watch, what age they should have a phone and what to expect at every stage…but not this. You don’t think it will be your child because they are ‘just shy’ or ‘just quiet’ or ‘just going through a phase’.

I blame a lot on the world around us and the expectation for children to morph into mini adults as quickly as possible. Sometimes it can feel like tweenagers are the adults.

Even in their tv shows it is the adults that are ridiculed by the children. I understand the importance of children needing a voice, but it has silenced their parents and the adults who try to support and guide them. I can’t even tell when I take my daughters shopping where their clothes end and the adult clothing begins!

Children have small shoulders but seem to have a lot on them by the time they reach double figures. I know I cannot remove those weights off my daughters’ shoulders alone and I can’t just stick a plaster on her, but I hope with the right support and guidance I can get for my daughter the load will lighten for her and some light will shine on her again......

I wrote this in February when I needed to scream and shout, getting out all the tears and frustration and pain I was feeling. But I couldn't. So, this was my way of letting it out, writing it down and releasing some of the mass of words swirling through my head at the time.

I'm pleased to say my family has moved forwards to brighter things since writing that with my eldest now at college and doing amazingly well. She has shown so much strength and part of the reason I am putting myself out of my comfort zone by talking about my life experiences, is through seeing how my daughter had to push through what she has. That's not to say the darkness has completely gone for her but she is getting there and plenty of chinks of light are now getting through.

Anyone reading this, please know you are not alone. I know it really does feel this way, whether you are the person suffering the disorder or illness, or you are the carer or friend trying to support your loved one. Please reach out to the people you know who will listen and just be a shoulder to lay your head when you need it.